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So what if it’s the first day of a new year, you think I’m going to tell you my resolutions? Please, it is not in my best interest to share my weaknesses with the Internet. Instead I will give you my unqualified opinion of “War Horse.”

I keep seeing trailers for this movie so everything I am about to say is based off of these 30-second clips.

What I can ascertain is that it is a story about a little boy whose only friend is a horse. They go to war together and spend roughly 10 years there, hence why the boy changes into a man. (I don’t know, who pays attention to commercials?)

The horse can “pull through anything.” I imagine this means he can walk through mud, sleet, snow, automatic weapons and piles of dead bodies. The movie is directed by Steven Spielberg –– a commercial that appears seconds later informs me that he also directed the very creepily rendered “Adventures of Tintin.”

Obviously this is a big name in the movie business. I know that, but frankly without using Google all I can confidently say is that he directed “E.T.” A movie I had to stop watching halfway through when I was 8 because that wonky little alien freaked me out.

I’m pretty sure he also directed another classic horror movie: Jurassic Park,

The trailer says Spielberg has directed “critically acclaimed” movies and “War Horse” is destined to be one of them. But it doesn’t sound all that riveting.

I’ve never really understood the appeal of movies about horses. There is something about the animals that I find inherently disturbing––at a very impressionable age my brother told me that if I was alone with one it would eat me. They are incredibly large yet fragile creatures that eat plants and if you boil them down they turn into glue. How does that even work?

Here is a movie whose main character is a horse and the supporting lead is a child solider. The story is supposed to be about love and friendship between a man and a horse. But can you call captive servitude friendship? Let’s face it, the horse is just this guy’s friend because he feeds him and gives him shelter.

That’s kind of a twisted love, but maybe that’s why what makes the movie so good?

I will not be watching the film so I may never know.

I Googled a list of movies directed by Steven Spielberg here are the ones I like: Catch me if You Can and Indiana Jones. I haven’t seen like 70% of them. I don’t watch a lot of movies. 

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Dear Three (unwise) Mounted Police Officers,

This morning I was riding my bike up Jones street when you turned out of the gas station in front of me.  (What were you doing at a gas station, might I ask? ) then you proceeded to trot right on through the red light across Martin Luther King Jr. boulevard without a care in the world, as if you were not dangerously violating a traffic law.
Granted, sometimes when I’m on my bike I run red lights but the consequences of our two actions vary greatly.

If a car who was unable to stop and ran either of us over the negative impact of my action would be much less than yours.
Picture this: A biker (me)  dead in the street.  Under a mildly dented fender my bike is laying in pieces on the ground.  The driver feels great remorse but eventually, after  some soul seeking, puts it all in their past and lives a healthy life.

Now, compare that with this:  Three mounted police officers rammed into by a car or truck, 27 gallons of horse blood– did you know the average horse has 9 gallons of blood?– is slowly  seeping onto the street and mixing in with the blood of three possibly dead officers.   The driver – if they survived the impact of three giant mammals impaling their windshield– is scarred for life and will never drive, or look at a horse again.  Not only did they run three cops over, who are in critical condition but also they killed three majestic animals as they were  led, against their will, into the middle of a busy street.  The driver lives the rest of his or her life in fear and each night has terrible nightmares of bathing in exploded horse corpses.

The fact of the matter is I don’t think you’re fully aware of the consequences of your actions.  In the future, please, use more caution.

best,

AEG

And they rode off into the distance unaware of their folly.