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I was going to show off my mad present wrapping skillz and go into my gift-giving ploy of wrapping things so nicely that the person won’t want to open it and therefore overlook the fact that I’ve given them the worst gift ever.

Just one of many expertly wrapped but poorly selected gifts.

BUT (even though I am really good at wrapping presents) that’s not very good advice.

So instead I think I will just offer my services as a holiday card maker.

FORGET to send a card? Not able to sit your family down to take a decent picture? Not have a detailed life-story card worthy year? Hate the postal service?

Do not worry! I’ve got you covered.

With my expert tuxpaint skills, I will depict your family as the sketchy cartoony folks you really are.

From Left to right: Papa G, brother Louis, Mama G, Sister Lauren, me.

Leave it mysteriously blank or add any catch phrase you’d like underneath or pick from any of these awful not funny pun filled one liners lovely heartfelt options:

  • “Haven’t seen us in a while? It’s because we don’t actually care about you that much. HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
  • “Last year was pretty sketch!”
  • “Mom and Dad quit their jobs and became artists. Send money.” (On this one you can coyly sign your name to my artwork.)
  • “2-D or not 2-D?”

Simply print them out in bulk (no color needed), fold it up and send them out.

Or if that is still too much I’ll send you the file and you can post it on your Facebook and tag everyone you know in it.

A job well done.

Sure, Thanksgiving is in two days but what I am really excited for is Festivus.

A month from today, December 23, marks the best holiday of the season: Festivus. Made up by Seinfeld character Frank Costanza (George’s father) It is the one day out of the year where you can tell everyone how you really feel.

Everyone gather around the Festivus pole and shut up.

Why is Festivus so great?

  1. There are no gifts involved. No awkward moments where someone you haven’t seen all year gives you a really thoughtful gift while you hand them a generic hallmark card smeared with grease and guilt.
  2. Being a jackass is encouraged. “Airing of Grievances” is one of the main events in this holiday.  That means you tell everyone how they have wronged you over the past year. It is very therapeutic.
  3. No Tinsel. The only traditional decoration is a metal pole.  No need to cut down a tree every year when you can just lean a metal pole against the wall and call it a day.
  4. Feats of strength. The other main event is feats of strength: a fairly ambiguous task where people battle the head of the household.  It can be as small as a thumb war or as large as playing chicken with tractors, but some physical display of domination is key to a good time at any Festivus event.

So if you have not seen “The Strike” episode of Seinfeld, watch it and decide if you’d like to have a change of spirit this holiday season.

Here is a brief overview:

I happily await any and all grievances directed at me but, please, respect the holiday and wait until the 23rd.