Tag Archives: bad movie reviews

The trailers for the movie “Lockout” present us with the classic criminal redeeming himself by helping out the very cops he despises with a sci-fi twist. His task? Rescue the president’s daughter and stop a space prison  full of “escaped” criminals from crashing their massive orbiting station into the earth.*

All of this poses some ethical questions about the future.

Mainly why do we reward our criminals with a trip to space? That’s like reading a guilty verdict and handing them a check for 20 million dollars, which is the average amount you’d have to pay to get someone to fly you to the International Space Station for a week. And these convicts get a free trip to space for life? Talk about wasting public funds.

It also would probably cause a spike in crime because I’m pretty sure everyone wants to go to space.

But beyond that basic flaw, based on the trailer the movie also seems pretty illogical. Why is the president’s daughter allowed into a maximum security prison in space? Why is their best bet to send one man (described only as “kind of a loose cannon”) to rescue her? And most importantly, why do the prisoners want to leave space?

I don’t plan on seeing the movie but I’m sure the guy playing Bruce Willis in space will have enough special effects to make him look badass even with the lack of air to fuel a lot of big flames. And hey, at least it’s set in Space. Everyone loves space. 


*This is mere speculation. I have no idea if this is the actual premise of the movie.


I’m not one of those people who don’t like to admit when they’re wrong, I’m the type to milk it for all it’s worth. A couple of weeks ago I tweeted something along the lines of “I’ve met the Lorax and he sounds nothing like Danny DeVitio.” And although the Lorax I met was a statue and didn’t speak at all, technically my statement was true.

Of course I was attempting to say I was not okay with what Illumination Entertainment had done to Dr.Sues’ classic. The trailers made it seem like they were going to painfully stretch a short story into an hour-long movie, make a buffoon out of the Lorax with the help of Danny DeVito and turn it into a love story.

Then to add insult to injury they premiered their movie on Dr. Sues’ birthday. But, I love the classic Lorax and Alejandro likes to see animated movies so we went to see it anyway.

And I’ll admit they didn’t butcher it. Danny DeVito did a good job. They recreated scenes from the book and added subplots that didn’t totally ruin the overall message of the story. I was pleasantly surprised that the only thing bothering me during the movie were a gaggle of teenagers talking and texting loudly during the film.

Sure, this is definitely a movie for kids that may be borderline brainwashing them to be more conscious about the environment, but so was the book, so, I’m okay with it.

So what if it’s the first day of a new year, you think I’m going to tell you my resolutions? Please, it is not in my best interest to share my weaknesses with the Internet. Instead I will give you my unqualified opinion of “War Horse.”

I keep seeing trailers for this movie so everything I am about to say is based off of these 30-second clips.

What I can ascertain is that it is a story about a little boy whose only friend is a horse. They go to war together and spend roughly 10 years there, hence why the boy changes into a man. (I don’t know, who pays attention to commercials?)

The horse can “pull through anything.” I imagine this means he can walk through mud, sleet, snow, automatic weapons and piles of dead bodies. The movie is directed by Steven Spielberg –– a commercial that appears seconds later informs me that he also directed the very creepily rendered “Adventures of Tintin.”

Obviously this is a big name in the movie business. I know that, but frankly without using Google all I can confidently say is that he directed “E.T.” A movie I had to stop watching halfway through when I was 8 because that wonky little alien freaked me out.

I’m pretty sure he also directed another classic horror movie: Jurassic Park,

The trailer says Spielberg has directed “critically acclaimed” movies and “War Horse” is destined to be one of them. But it doesn’t sound all that riveting.

I’ve never really understood the appeal of movies about horses. There is something about the animals that I find inherently disturbing––at a very impressionable age my brother told me that if I was alone with one it would eat me. They are incredibly large yet fragile creatures that eat plants and if you boil them down they turn into glue. How does that even work?

Here is a movie whose main character is a horse and the supporting lead is a child solider. The story is supposed to be about love and friendship between a man and a horse. But can you call captive servitude friendship? Let’s face it, the horse is just this guy’s friend because he feeds him and gives him shelter.

That’s kind of a twisted love, but maybe that’s why what makes the movie so good?

I will not be watching the film so I may never know.

I Googled a list of movies directed by Steven Spielberg here are the ones I like: Catch me if You Can and Indiana Jones. I haven’t seen like 70% of them. I don’t watch a lot of movies.