“War Horse” reviewed by someone who hasn’t seen it

So what if it’s the first day of a new year, you think I’m going to tell you my resolutions? Please, it is not in my best interest to share my weaknesses with the Internet. Instead I will give you my unqualified opinion of “War Horse.”

I keep seeing trailers for this movie so everything I am about to say is based off of these 30-second clips.

What I can ascertain is that it is a story about a little boy whose only friend is a horse. They go to war together and spend roughly 10 years there, hence why the boy changes into a man. (I don’t know, who pays attention to commercials?)

The horse can “pull through anything.” I imagine this means he can walk through mud, sleet, snow, automatic weapons and piles of dead bodies. The movie is directed by Steven Spielberg –– a commercial that appears seconds later informs me that he also directed the very creepily rendered “Adventures of Tintin.”

Obviously this is a big name in the movie business. I know that, but frankly without using Google all I can confidently say is that he directed “E.T.” A movie I had to stop watching halfway through when I was 8 because that wonky little alien freaked me out.

I’m pretty sure he also directed another classic horror movie: Jurassic Park,

The trailer says Spielberg has directed “critically acclaimed” movies and “War Horse” is destined to be one of them. But it doesn’t sound all that riveting.

I’ve never really understood the appeal of movies about horses. There is something about the animals that I find inherently disturbing––at a very impressionable age my brother told me that if I was alone with one it would eat me. They are incredibly large yet fragile creatures that eat plants and if you boil them down they turn into glue. How does that even work?

Here is a movie whose main character is a horse and the supporting lead is a child solider. The story is supposed to be about love and friendship between a man and a horse. But can you call captive servitude friendship? Let’s face it, the horse is just this guy’s friend because he feeds him and gives him shelter.

That’s kind of a twisted love, but maybe that’s why what makes the movie so good?

I will not be watching the film so I may never know.

I Googled a list of movies directed by Steven Spielberg here are the ones I like: Catch me if You Can and Indiana Jones. I haven’t seen like 70% of them. I don’t watch a lot of movies. 

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