Does your mother know that you’re out?

I had to de-friend one of my sister’s friends the other day because she is 17 and I can’t handle her hyper-sexualized outfits. It’s bad enough when someone my own age a) wears a bustier in public and b) posts it online, but my little sister’s peers? I can’t handle that.

Slutoween is just around the corner and I don’t think I’ll make it through. How could I? It’s a day when everyone’s taking their clothes off but no one knows why.

It is October. It is cold outside.

My understanding of Halloween is that you dress up as something scary. And although the idea of people exploiting their own jailbait body for attention is terrifying, it’s been done.

Try something more original please.

For example the last time I dressed up I was a Yip-Yip monster from Sesame Street because what is more frightening than aliens coming down to earth made entirely of crushed velvet?

Anyone can walk around with their boobs hanging out. What’s more impressive is adequately expressing a complex idea in a visual fashion. This year I challenge everyone to conspire together and dress up as the thought that frightens me most:

Solipsism, that I am actually imagining everything, nothing exists I am here all alone.

Other than that, my only advice is to wear layers and eat pumpkin seeds.


  1. How exactly does one dress as a manifestation of your subconscious? In any case I don’t need a costume to be my halloween character: Guy who leaves the lights off and doesn’t give candy to trick or treaters. That plus the fact that i’m celebrating JesusWeen instead. (its a real thing, seriously

  2. That’s the challenge my friend. The Halloween gauntlet, basically just convince me that you are not real.

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