Coffee get off me

Yesterday, after realizing that all of my spring break chocolate was gone, I learned how to use a coffee maker in desperation for something sweet.

I’ve had coffee before, but never regularly and usually in a glass that is 90% milk 5% coffee and 5% sugar. You know, a café aux lait… except inverted.

I’m the first to say it:  I’m weak. Despite my ability to eat 2+ chocolate bars daily, my body doesn’t really mix well with caffeine.  The one time I did go out on a limb and drank a mocha I felt like I was tweaking on crack (Or what I imagine it would feel like to tweak on anything).

But coffee houses are like the writers mecca. I want to be there and feel like I belong. I want to walk up to the counter and ask for a coffee as black as my moleskin journal.

Zipzapbadap, I thought, perhaps decaf coffee is my way in.

It looks the same. It smells the same.  Decaf in hand I could blend in with all the legitimate inhabitants of a local coffee shop instead of being the twitching creep in the corner.

There’s just one problem: science.  How does a coffee bean magically loose one of its main chemical compounds?

After doing 20 seconds of research on the internet I learned about the process of extracting caffeine from beans and read THIS:

“As such, neither all of the caffeine is removed from the coffee, nor are all of the flavor compounds returned or left in the coffee.”

These expertly crafted prose come straight from coffeereserach.org and shattered my dreams.  Decaffeinated coffee still has caffeine in it?

The empty cup of lait aux café sitting in front of me laughs in my twitching face.

Sigh, I will never be cool. Excuse me while I drown my sorrows in some drinking chocolate.

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