For once football is fighting the good fight against underage mustache abuse

“True or false: we are more excited about Geoffrey shaving his mustache tomorrow than we are about the Ducks playing,” read a text message from a friend yesterday night.

She’s referring to two things: the University of Oregon Ducks playing in the BCS Bowl versus Auburn and our friend, Geoffrey, who has refused to shave his hideous mustache on account of it being “good luck.”

I don't know who these people are, I assume quarter backs who get laid a lot?

My answer was a swift and unhesitant “TRUE.”

Not only do I not care about football, but I firmly believe only .02% of the population’s appearance actually improves when a furry blanket rests upon their upper lip.

Full beard, goatee, soul patch, random hairs, ANYTHING is better than a mustache–even a neck beard.

For visual learnings: an illustration of the previous statement.

I have never met anyone, under the age of 50, who I could say to without a hint of sarcasm, “Wow, you really look drastically better with a mustache.”

We are not in a 70s porno (or so I’ve been reassured multiple times) lip warmers don’t need to run aloof all over the place.

Seinfeld once referred to mustaches as a “vacation from yourself.” A statement that is probably true. With the mustache, you are able to see how much harder you’d have to work when your potential lovers find you slightly less attractive.

It’s a well-known fact that underage mustaches are a gateway drug to full-blown facial hair obsession.  Do you really want to turn out like this guy?

Sure, it looks cool but imagine how long it takes him to wax this every morning. DO YOU HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME?

To all of you out there still pining for a mustache, I offer you this solution:

  • Step one: grow a beard
  • Step two: when you are sick of the beard shave everything but the mustache
  • Step three: admire it in the mirror for as long as you need
  • Step four: (incredibly essential step) SHAVE IT OFF AND GO ABOUT YOUR LIFE WITHOUT LOOKING BACK.

My friend has had his mustache since Halloween. He obviously missed step four.

So today, win or lose, I am so happy the Ducks will be playing in the BCS Bowl, if only so after the game is over there will be one less mustache in the world.

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5 comments
  1. Aforementioned friend said:

    I am embarrassed that I put an apostrophe in Ducks.

    • I can change it, i’m sure it was just t9 or something. I don’t know the proper terminology so i just did direct quotes.

  2. there are no words to describe how much i love this post…

  3. Alejandro said:

    So much hate towards the proud mustache culture…

  4. Bogdan said:

    1. I grew a mustache for a while last semester.
    2. I did not develop any inclination towards any further facial hair; in fact I realized that such a path was one I should avoid at all costs.
    3. I recently dreamed of my beard, upside-down.

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