This guest post comes from Bradford Andrew Paik, comedian, my editor in high school (mentor status) and also a member of the University of Minnesota’s comedy team that won the Rooftop National College Comedy Competition in 2009.
What’s bothered me lately is that there are few external signs of craziness these days. It’s hard to tell who these people are! I fear I may have mistaken craziness for curiosity or bravery. Today, I offer general tips on how to not appear crazy:
1. It’s acceptable to ask one question about the “nutritional value of eating a brain,” that’s general scientific inquiry. But if a person asks two questions about the “nutritional value of eating a HUMAN brain,” they have something on their mind. Curiosity killed that cat, and it might also kill you.
2. It’s all about timing. If the second question had been a follow-up, it would have been slightly less weird. But if asked a WEEK after the first, it shows that the thought was simmering, brought to a boil, and allowed to stew. Mental note: sit one seat further away from the dude who wears a beret.
3. I once saw a man chat up a beautiful broad in Starbucks. I thought: “Kudos to you, bro. You’ve got more balls than me.” But a day later, I watched the same man walk in, pan the store with these voracious eyes, as if silently asking, “WHICH ONE [deep breath] WILL I TALK TO TODAY?!” This is not how you should approach women.
4. Never whisper to strangers. Sure, whispering can be romantic. But sit in the dark and whisper to yourself, “I’ve had my eye on you.” See? It’s creepy. It’s especially creepy if you have one eye.
5. Avoid hunching over, heavy breathing, and smile 100%. A 50% smile, with just your mouth, is the creepiest thing in the world; use your eyes.
6. If you have a beard, never talk to a child unless his/her parents are around. Period.