Prepare?

Maybe you’ve been wondering why the word “prepare” is floating like a looming threat in the top right hand corner of the page.

Let me enlighten you: fear mongering.

It is a tactic I have been using to subliminally tell you that you need to be ready, for anything.

Around every corner lies something that will kill you if you let it:

• Food– choking
• Taking a shower– slipping on the floor and a) bashing your head b) accidentally slicing a major artery with your razor.
• Driving– don’t even get me started.
• Sleeping– you are even more vulnerable than usual mentally and physically.
• Getting dressed– you’re putting a shirt on, you trip and fall as your shirt hooks on something above you.  You’re found, partially clothed, strangled by your own shirt.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that survival is closely to linked being prepared for anything.  So I advise you to participate in weekly drills.

For instance, one time I kidnapped my friend and stuck him in the back of my trunk just so he could work out how he would get out of it in a real life situation.

I’m a good friend but I can’t kidnap everyone, so, do yourself a favor and spend a half hour each week walking through some simple survival scenarios.

I don’t want you to live in fear, just understand that you are probably the worst designed being on the planet (Spock would agree with me).

In the words of Mad-Eye Moody “Constant vigilance, Harry, Constant Vigilance.”

Salmon, engineered to kill

All this talk of genetically engineered salmon screams killer giant fish disaster to me.  There are three main things you need to know about them:

• They will be all female and sterile
• They are always cold (to keep the growth hormone on)
• And related to that, THEY ARE ALWAYS GROWING

Now, imagine a giant (I’m talking at least 12 feet), sterile, possibly demented, female fish coming at you.

"I just want to love you," "I'm so cold," say the giantess salmon.

She is cold.  She cannot do the one thing her biological clock is telling her to do– raise little babies.  (let’s forget for a moment that salmon lay their eggs and then die, never to see their young, these fish are too cold and demented to know that.)  She wants to love you but ends up smothering you as her giant scales tear your skin to pieces.

Now, as long as we keep a close eye on these fish, I see nothing wrong with finally admitting that we raise animals to eat them.  I care about finding Nemo, but after I catch him, I’m going to devour him.

But, if we humans get a little cocky, these giant salmon might become too dangerous. So, If anything can be learned from the movie Mega Piranha, it is that you should kick those deliciously slimy creatures in the face.

Observe and master his technique: